Admiring (Tom)

[Alexandra Casey]

"Me?!! Well I couldn't tell you, since I've never had sex before," I said matter-of-factly. "I mean it! I was just asking to help. I have to ask questions in order to help you, you know." I smirked and played with a loose thread on my pleated skirt. I gently pulled it to remove it. A million pictures were racing in my mind. The Room of Requirement, a bed, Ren cornering me, his hands running up my shirt...I shook my head and took the thoughts out.

No, I hadn't ever done it, but did I want to? Who knows anymore. With everything going on with Ren, and my parents...and now Michael, I didn't know what I wanted or what I was doing. Cause when Michael gave me that hug...boy did the memories flood back to me. The day we sat on his porch talking, and he looked at me, put him hand on my cheek and leaned in. I pulled away when I realized what he was doing. "Michael...I can't. We can't. It will ruin our friendship and you know that. I don't even want to lose you, and the one way to guarantee that is if we stay friends okay? I'm sorry..." My words playing through my head on repeat like a broken record.

How soon was I to regret them when no later than 5 months later, we stopped speaking eintirely. How scared I was when I hugged him, and he wrapped his arms around me, that I was going to kiss him. I didn't want to hurt Ren, and our life was going perfect. I didn't want this to end up like Paige and Lor at all. I don't think I could live with myself if I hurt him like Lor was hurting. When I looked in Lor's eyes, it was like he was screaming right behind them. Screams of angst and sadness, screams of exhaustion and stress. I couldn't really bare to look at him anymore because of that. I couldn't take seeing someone in pain.

I ran my fingers through my hair hoping that Tom couldn't see that I was stressing. The thoughts, memories, and pictures weren't leaving my mind so I tried pushing them farther back in my head. I pulled out a guitar pick and examined it, holding it between my middle finger and thumb by it's corners. "My lucky pick..." I said turning it over. "Too bad it hasn't been working for a few years now. I just can't seem to leave it somewhere or trash it. I have to carry it with me. I guess it's just a comfort thing." I took a deep sigh and put it back in my pocket.

[reese]

Tom couldn’t believe what he was hearing, this girl was smart, funny, attractive, and yet had never been with someone intimately? She had a boyfriend, that information was given to him at the hospital wing, and they touched on the subject briefly here. Surely it wouldn’t be long until she did the deed. Alex seemed to drift into her own thoughts, the subject at hand seemed to trouble her slightly. Perhaps it wasn’t his own personal life that was now on the forefront of Alex’s mind.

But Tom did not interrupt her thought process, he was aware of the importance of inner dialogue with oneself. She needed to finish what she had started in her own mind, maybe it would lead her to some sort of revelation about herself. Tom didn’t acknowledge another’s feelings all too often, but watching her face off with herself in some inner dilemma proved that in fact he was not the only person in the world that was struggling with himself. It was oddly comforting, knowing that Alex also had complications of her own, he wasn’t alone in the world.

He needn’t embarrass her by inquiring what it was that had her in such a fluster, instead Tom opted to distract her by well, being himself. ”Aha! So that’s why you were asking, you need some tips for when you and Ren, you know, go at it.” Tom nodded knowingly, not about what he said, but with the knowledge that she was not trying to get at that. But he owed her the courtesy of not prying into her personal life... However, hadn’t that been what she was doing all afternoon? She had discovered much about him, but Alex was still a mystery to Tom.

At first unaware of what the small object was that she produced from her pocket, Tom turned his head quizzically at the plastic between her fingers. Pick? Oh right, it had to do with music, more specifically a guitar. So, she was either a musician or at least pretended to be one for the social benefits. He wasn’t prepared to question her about something he knew so little about, he would only succeed in humiliating himself with his lack of knowledge.

”A comfort thing? What’s going on in your life that could use a bit of luck? I know it’s not your father, at least not all together, based on your silence after proclaiming your virginity.” Tom’s eyes widened, oh god, hopefully there wasn’t some sort of common link between her parent and her sex life. How awkward would that be to find out.

[Alexandra Casey]

After realising I had been lost in my own thoughts for quite a while, Tom broke the silence that was between us. ”Aha! So that’s why you were asking, you need some tips for when you and Ren, you know, go at it.” he said with a laugh. Oh god...that's sort of embarassing. That definitely wasn't what I was getting at, but I was sure that Tom knew this. He only wanted to tease me, so I didn't take it to heart. "Um...definitely not, but nice try," I said, feeling as if all the blood in my body was rushing up to my face. My cheeks became instantly red, an annoying aspect of myself. "And plus, don't flatter yourself," I said with a smirk. He teased me, so he deserved a little karma back.

Looking at my pick, I wished it still had that old charm it used to. I wasn't sure what had all of a sudden turned it off, but I wasn't too happy that it had. As I put it back in my pocket, Tom eyed the pick as if it was some foreign object. Well...technically it is. That was true, knowing that not many witches or wizards played the guitar if you came from a Pure-Blood family. Surely this would be looked at as a "Muggle luxary." Maybe, maybe not. I wasn't so sure on the culture of a Pure-Blood family, growing up with only a magical mother; the only witch in the whole family.

”A comfort thing? What’s going on in your life that could use a bit of luck? I know it’s not your father, at least not all together, based on your silence after proclaiming your virginity.” he said, but soon after he said this, his eyes widened as if his mind filled with weird and horrible thoughts. Knowing that's probably what it was, I didn't really want to know. "Back onto my sex life huh? I have a feeling this won't be the end either," I said with a small laugh, followed by a sigh. "With many things I suppose. My mother's health and well-being, music, Ren, and this new problem that's just risen; it's probably the worst timing possible too."

Thinking back on what happened with Michael, I honestly didn't know what to feel. When I saw Ren...It was like meeting him and talking to him for the first time, everytime. I guess it just feels new, but when I was sitting there with Michael...it was different. I missed being with him; just hanging out and talking about practically meaningless things most of the time. See! You're thinking about him again! I screamed in my head. Never fails that I always have one person telling me what to do.

I sat there again, feeling pretty awkward knowing that Tom was just sitting there waiting for me to snap back into reality. I thought about his question, wondering that maybe this was his way of finding things out about me? I mean, I had been prying into his personal life for quite some time now. It definitely was his turn to pry into mine. I didn't mind, I knew I could trust him. In just this short amount of time, he had shown me that I could indeed confide in him. The funny thing was, was that I probably wouldn't have even said hi to him before we started talking. Well, we had gotten off to a bad start, and I was pretty glad that we were getting the chance for a new beginning.